Sunday, 1 January 2017
Sunday, 13 November 2016
Sad story
I sung this at the arts awards when I was in grade 12. I was embarrassed and terrified. My Grumpy watched this damn video over and over and over again. He would call me just to remind me how much he loved it. My Grumpy really loved me. He was a terrible father. A controlling, conservative, sexist, racist, insensitive retired police officer turned Barrister turned old man.
He told me the day I was born was the day he changed. He filmed the whole fucking time Mum was in labour, he used to film everything. He was terrible at it, so shaky and lots of very, very boring shots of the family drinking in silence by a pool on Christmas day. He used to cook us deep fried everything and made us watch Mamma Mia 100,000 times. One time, him and Nana took me to a secret island and in the trees we found a present that the fairies had left me. They were really great grandparents before they got sick.
Nana was sick for 2 years before she died. Motor Neurone Disease and it started in her tongue. My auntie moved her wedding forward so Nana could make it, it was a fairy tale wedding and Nana was goldilocks. She couldn't speak at all at that point. We hadn't heard her voice for almost 2 years. Now, when we are all together we sometimes call her mobile and listen to her voicemail. That 15 second clip sends butterflies of comfort through my body. She used to throw us "happy unbirthdays" just so we could get presents and play party games. She to me was pure love and security. I was mad at the world for a long, long time for letting her become so sick. She loved Jesus so much and she wrote books and books of love poems to him. She used to write short stories about my cousin Harley and I. We would meet unicorns and play with fairies.
I used to tell Grumpy he was only allowed to tell me he loved me once a day because it was too annoying. I don't think I told either of them I loved them. Grumpy died in August this year, he had Parkinsons Disease. He had been in the nursing home for a couple of years and it was normal for him to go downhill and then be fine again in a week. I had been meaning to visit him for a couple of months, but I'd moved house and got a new job, I was busy. Mum called to say things were very bad. I missed the first train there and we walked in about 5 minutes after he died. I just stood there holding his yellowed hand and laughed as Mum and her sister warned Nana he was on his way.
My auntie said when she opened the internet on his iPad that day, he had 8 safari browers open of just my name in google and I didn't even bother to call.
He told me the day I was born was the day he changed. He filmed the whole fucking time Mum was in labour, he used to film everything. He was terrible at it, so shaky and lots of very, very boring shots of the family drinking in silence by a pool on Christmas day. He used to cook us deep fried everything and made us watch Mamma Mia 100,000 times. One time, him and Nana took me to a secret island and in the trees we found a present that the fairies had left me. They were really great grandparents before they got sick.
Nana was sick for 2 years before she died. Motor Neurone Disease and it started in her tongue. My auntie moved her wedding forward so Nana could make it, it was a fairy tale wedding and Nana was goldilocks. She couldn't speak at all at that point. We hadn't heard her voice for almost 2 years. Now, when we are all together we sometimes call her mobile and listen to her voicemail. That 15 second clip sends butterflies of comfort through my body. She used to throw us "happy unbirthdays" just so we could get presents and play party games. She to me was pure love and security. I was mad at the world for a long, long time for letting her become so sick. She loved Jesus so much and she wrote books and books of love poems to him. She used to write short stories about my cousin Harley and I. We would meet unicorns and play with fairies.
I used to tell Grumpy he was only allowed to tell me he loved me once a day because it was too annoying. I don't think I told either of them I loved them. Grumpy died in August this year, he had Parkinsons Disease. He had been in the nursing home for a couple of years and it was normal for him to go downhill and then be fine again in a week. I had been meaning to visit him for a couple of months, but I'd moved house and got a new job, I was busy. Mum called to say things were very bad. I missed the first train there and we walked in about 5 minutes after he died. I just stood there holding his yellowed hand and laughed as Mum and her sister warned Nana he was on his way.
My auntie said when she opened the internet on his iPad that day, he had 8 safari browers open of just my name in google and I didn't even bother to call.
Monday, 31 October 2016
WOW WHERE HAVE I BEEN
Hi Team,
It's been a while, hasn't it? It's just because I started this blog to make me feel better when I needed to made to feel better and lately I've just been feeling better. I'm working full time (lol wtf how?), I make my bed everyday, I haven't been partying any where near as much as before... I'm not doing any plays, any writing, any films. No exciting flings and no holidays. What's weird is now I finally feel like I have my shit together? Now I am supposedly an adult, a functioning member of society and fuck me dead it's boring. How do I get out? I like my job, it supports me, forces me to eat 3 meals a day, I'm living more than comfortably. How could I possibly quit to become a struggling artist again?
UGHHHH because I love art so much. I love acting and writing. I love having a different schedule every week and complaining about having rehearsals until 10 and work again at 6. I'm not trying to glorify living off the government and halfheartedly going to uni. I haven't really worked out another option. Maybe there's a mid point?
I can't be bothered travelling, or writing, or going out for auditions. Am I depressed? Nah, I feel fine. Like so fucking fine. I'm not anxious at all either. I'm just taking a break, I'm sure life will get crazy again soon.
I went to hospital a couple of months ago. We think a cyst burst in my ovaries. I was hungover and stoned, it was a Saturday morning. We were walking to the markets at the powerhouse and I suddenly felt like I was going to pass out. My friend was inside the night owl getting a drink and I just ran into someones front yard and puked. After I puked I couldn't move at all. I was just lying in this strangers front yard, waiting for my friends to come find me. When they did, they put me in the back of an uber - giggling at how hungover I was. After about five minutes in the uber was when the cramps started. I've never felt so much pain. It was the first day of my period but this was way worse than any period pain. I was passing out in the backseat from the pain and I thought "is this when you call an ambulance?" No one ever tells you when you're meant to call an ambulance. I imagined the uber pulling up to my house and tried to picture myself walking to the front door. It wasn't going to happen. I couldn't move any part of my body, I was just in so much pain. The worst period cramps I've ever had were exploding through my body and I could feel the pain spreading down my thighs and up my back. I finally got the words out "I'm sorry, but I think you're going to have to call an ambulance".
As we waited for the ambulance, I curled up on the side of Brunswick Street. People just kept coming up to me to check I was okay. An older man stroked my arm and told me it was my appendix and the surgery would be over in a couple of hours. I made the decision that if I shat myself, it would be okay. I called my Mum and just cried. The older fello kept telling me to hang up, not to bother her. I screamed back at him to fuck off, I need my mum.
The ambos thought I was in labour.
Until I told them I was high and definiteeeeeely not pregnant. They told me there was nothing they could do for me. I begged them to take me to hospital. I couldn't work out how to articulate to them that I knew my body and I knew this was not okay.
I was in hospital for hours. They made me pee in a cup and they took my blood. I spoke to only male doctors who pushed my stomach a few times and asked me if I was "bleeding down there." When I told them it was like the worst period pain you could ever imagine, times ten, of course they had no idea what I was feeling. They sent me home and told me it was probably because of my wild night.
So I stopped going out. I'm scared to drink. I get the pains everyday, just a little bit. I'm sure I'll be fine, the doctor said so.
It's been a while, hasn't it? It's just because I started this blog to make me feel better when I needed to made to feel better and lately I've just been feeling better. I'm working full time (lol wtf how?), I make my bed everyday, I haven't been partying any where near as much as before... I'm not doing any plays, any writing, any films. No exciting flings and no holidays. What's weird is now I finally feel like I have my shit together? Now I am supposedly an adult, a functioning member of society and fuck me dead it's boring. How do I get out? I like my job, it supports me, forces me to eat 3 meals a day, I'm living more than comfortably. How could I possibly quit to become a struggling artist again?
UGHHHH because I love art so much. I love acting and writing. I love having a different schedule every week and complaining about having rehearsals until 10 and work again at 6. I'm not trying to glorify living off the government and halfheartedly going to uni. I haven't really worked out another option. Maybe there's a mid point?
I can't be bothered travelling, or writing, or going out for auditions. Am I depressed? Nah, I feel fine. Like so fucking fine. I'm not anxious at all either. I'm just taking a break, I'm sure life will get crazy again soon.
I went to hospital a couple of months ago. We think a cyst burst in my ovaries. I was hungover and stoned, it was a Saturday morning. We were walking to the markets at the powerhouse and I suddenly felt like I was going to pass out. My friend was inside the night owl getting a drink and I just ran into someones front yard and puked. After I puked I couldn't move at all. I was just lying in this strangers front yard, waiting for my friends to come find me. When they did, they put me in the back of an uber - giggling at how hungover I was. After about five minutes in the uber was when the cramps started. I've never felt so much pain. It was the first day of my period but this was way worse than any period pain. I was passing out in the backseat from the pain and I thought "is this when you call an ambulance?" No one ever tells you when you're meant to call an ambulance. I imagined the uber pulling up to my house and tried to picture myself walking to the front door. It wasn't going to happen. I couldn't move any part of my body, I was just in so much pain. The worst period cramps I've ever had were exploding through my body and I could feel the pain spreading down my thighs and up my back. I finally got the words out "I'm sorry, but I think you're going to have to call an ambulance".
As we waited for the ambulance, I curled up on the side of Brunswick Street. People just kept coming up to me to check I was okay. An older man stroked my arm and told me it was my appendix and the surgery would be over in a couple of hours. I made the decision that if I shat myself, it would be okay. I called my Mum and just cried. The older fello kept telling me to hang up, not to bother her. I screamed back at him to fuck off, I need my mum.
The ambos thought I was in labour.
Until I told them I was high and definiteeeeeely not pregnant. They told me there was nothing they could do for me. I begged them to take me to hospital. I couldn't work out how to articulate to them that I knew my body and I knew this was not okay.
I was in hospital for hours. They made me pee in a cup and they took my blood. I spoke to only male doctors who pushed my stomach a few times and asked me if I was "bleeding down there." When I told them it was like the worst period pain you could ever imagine, times ten, of course they had no idea what I was feeling. They sent me home and told me it was probably because of my wild night.
So I stopped going out. I'm scared to drink. I get the pains everyday, just a little bit. I'm sure I'll be fine, the doctor said so.
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