My life has changed since June. I don't know where I am mentally, I'm happy. I'm getting to where I want to be. I'm learning what scares me. Maybe my next step is learning why those things scare me. I'm not going to drink anymore. I've deleted Facebook. I'm not hanging out with anyone I don't feel comfortable around. Friendship should be effortless. I'm going to eat real food. I'm going to go to the Physio and not stop going until my tendon is healed. Then I am going to exercise. I need a clear mind and a healthy body. I'm not going to be 20 forever and I need to get shit done. But who am I if not messy and forgetful and reliant on alcohol? I had a bad acid trip once. I had an epiphany. I realised the world does not revolve around me. I am not nothing, I am something but everyone is something. I have to stop trying to get everybody to like me. I can't meet every single human and be their friend. Sometimes there are cool people you don't get to be friends with. Such is life. Such is Gemma.

my super lame super artsy artistic statement for my one woman show

As a teenager, I was obsessed with the idea of doing things the ‘right’ way, so much so that at 13 years old I found myself googling "How to be a perfect teenager", “How to dress warm and still look good”, “How to get a boyfriend”; I needed order and control and perfection. This I now realise was a naïve attempt to understand myself and what I was doing ‘wrong’ in my life, but lately I’m learning that there is no ‘right’ way - at all. Every human on earth experiences anxiety, self-doubt and loneliness and whether we’re living right or wrong we’ll never know, every one of us is just trying to survive and find ultimate happiness on our messy planet.

I’m inspired by our differences as humans, and thoroughly enjoy working out what makes someone tick, what makes them behave the way they do, feel the way they do. I am hugely curious as to what brings certain people together and why I have an invisible magic string connecting me to people I have met for 5 minutes.

Our ultimate entertainment is reality and our constant drive in life is to understand; simply we appreciate stories of others that make mistakes, experience loss, and love because it's inevitable that we all face these emotions, this compassion and empathy connects us and ultimately helps us further understand ourselves.

Each of us have a personal movie filming in our brains, every day the reel rolls and we have a chance to change the story, characters and setting but the final production will only ever have 1 viewer; you. What if you could let someone into your brain movie? Show them exactly how you are wired? Really truly who you are? GirlGenius explores our personal secrets, fears, habits and idiosyncrasies through the character of Benny, in which whom is based off myself, Gemma.

I began writing when I was living in Chicago, I was alone a lot of the time and was learning a lot about myself and the world at a rapid pace. Writing allowed me to catch up with my brain and my emotions. I quite organically began writing about myself and it occurred to me that I was writing my own autobiography at seventeen. It’s been years since then and I am finally ready and able to mold my years of prose writing, theatre education and life experience into an energetic, passionate and honest production.

I don't think I'd understood grief until now. I still don't understand grief. Loss. I want to talk about it. It makes people uncomfortable, it makes me feel better. I knew him, we talked, I didn't dream that. He wanted me to tell him why people didn't like him. He was one of the good ones. Honest, good heart, genuine. I'm so sad. I'm so confused, am I allowed to feel sad? I hadn't seen him for years. I didn't reply to his messages. I thought it didn't matter. I wish we could hang out. But it's done. He's gone. I'm too late. What scares me more is that in my life I am definitely going to feel this way again. I'm going to have to say goodbye to everyone I love. I love so many people.

Today I found out a friend of mine took his own life. We were friends particularly in grade 10, I was a loner and so was he. Kids in grade 10 are awful. We hardly spoke but we knew. I almost went to a Greens party at the start of the year, I didn't end up going but I saw he did and wished I had gone. He messaged me a few weeks ago and I didn't reply. I always assumed we would run into each other in the future. I enjoyed his politics. Now I think of my other friends of the past that I haven't spoken to in years. I hope you are well. I hope you are happy. I'm thinking of you all today and tell your friends you love them.

I drove home from the funeral and turned the music up really loud. It felt good. I felt so alive.

I have hay-fever
I have bad red wine
I have water boiling
I have had too many chips
I have weed
I have a sore ankle
I have 3 assignments I should be doing
I have a cat that isn't mine
I have a fear of commitment
I have a fear of letting people down
I have a fear of letting myself down
I have a fear of being disliked
I have a fear of being hurt
I have a fear of being hurt
I have regrets
I have no regrets
I have so many regrets.

feeling better

Had a solid 3 week meltdown and I can finally see clearly again
I'm okay and I am happy.
Things are busy and hard but they are worth it.
Plus I still have time to have a beer in bed and listen to my friends' music.
It feels so good to be in the present moment again.

I'm sorry I'm so shit

sick of myself