Sunday, 1 January 2017
Sunday, 13 November 2016
Sad story
I sung this at the arts awards when I was in grade 12. I was embarrassed and terrified. My Grumpy watched this damn video over and over and over again. He would call me just to remind me how much he loved it. My Grumpy really loved me. He was a terrible father. A controlling, conservative, sexist, racist, insensitive retired police officer turned Barrister turned old man.
He told me the day I was born was the day he changed. He filmed the whole fucking time Mum was in labour, he used to film everything. He was terrible at it, so shaky and lots of very, very boring shots of the family drinking in silence by a pool on Christmas day. He used to cook us deep fried everything and made us watch Mamma Mia 100,000 times. One time, him and Nana took me to a secret island and in the trees we found a present that the fairies had left me. They were really great grandparents before they got sick.
Nana was sick for 2 years before she died. Motor Neurone Disease and it started in her tongue. My auntie moved her wedding forward so Nana could make it, it was a fairy tale wedding and Nana was goldilocks. She couldn't speak at all at that point. We hadn't heard her voice for almost 2 years. Now, when we are all together we sometimes call her mobile and listen to her voicemail. That 15 second clip sends butterflies of comfort through my body. She used to throw us "happy unbirthdays" just so we could get presents and play party games. She to me was pure love and security. I was mad at the world for a long, long time for letting her become so sick. She loved Jesus so much and she wrote books and books of love poems to him. She used to write short stories about my cousin Harley and I. We would meet unicorns and play with fairies.
I used to tell Grumpy he was only allowed to tell me he loved me once a day because it was too annoying. I don't think I told either of them I loved them. Grumpy died in August this year, he had Parkinsons Disease. He had been in the nursing home for a couple of years and it was normal for him to go downhill and then be fine again in a week. I had been meaning to visit him for a couple of months, but I'd moved house and got a new job, I was busy. Mum called to say things were very bad. I missed the first train there and we walked in about 5 minutes after he died. I just stood there holding his yellowed hand and laughed as Mum and her sister warned Nana he was on his way.
My auntie said when she opened the internet on his iPad that day, he had 8 safari browers open of just my name in google and I didn't even bother to call.
He told me the day I was born was the day he changed. He filmed the whole fucking time Mum was in labour, he used to film everything. He was terrible at it, so shaky and lots of very, very boring shots of the family drinking in silence by a pool on Christmas day. He used to cook us deep fried everything and made us watch Mamma Mia 100,000 times. One time, him and Nana took me to a secret island and in the trees we found a present that the fairies had left me. They were really great grandparents before they got sick.
Nana was sick for 2 years before she died. Motor Neurone Disease and it started in her tongue. My auntie moved her wedding forward so Nana could make it, it was a fairy tale wedding and Nana was goldilocks. She couldn't speak at all at that point. We hadn't heard her voice for almost 2 years. Now, when we are all together we sometimes call her mobile and listen to her voicemail. That 15 second clip sends butterflies of comfort through my body. She used to throw us "happy unbirthdays" just so we could get presents and play party games. She to me was pure love and security. I was mad at the world for a long, long time for letting her become so sick. She loved Jesus so much and she wrote books and books of love poems to him. She used to write short stories about my cousin Harley and I. We would meet unicorns and play with fairies.
I used to tell Grumpy he was only allowed to tell me he loved me once a day because it was too annoying. I don't think I told either of them I loved them. Grumpy died in August this year, he had Parkinsons Disease. He had been in the nursing home for a couple of years and it was normal for him to go downhill and then be fine again in a week. I had been meaning to visit him for a couple of months, but I'd moved house and got a new job, I was busy. Mum called to say things were very bad. I missed the first train there and we walked in about 5 minutes after he died. I just stood there holding his yellowed hand and laughed as Mum and her sister warned Nana he was on his way.
My auntie said when she opened the internet on his iPad that day, he had 8 safari browers open of just my name in google and I didn't even bother to call.
Monday, 31 October 2016
WOW WHERE HAVE I BEEN
Hi Team,
It's been a while, hasn't it? It's just because I started this blog to make me feel better when I needed to made to feel better and lately I've just been feeling better. I'm working full time (lol wtf how?), I make my bed everyday, I haven't been partying any where near as much as before... I'm not doing any plays, any writing, any films. No exciting flings and no holidays. What's weird is now I finally feel like I have my shit together? Now I am supposedly an adult, a functioning member of society and fuck me dead it's boring. How do I get out? I like my job, it supports me, forces me to eat 3 meals a day, I'm living more than comfortably. How could I possibly quit to become a struggling artist again?
UGHHHH because I love art so much. I love acting and writing. I love having a different schedule every week and complaining about having rehearsals until 10 and work again at 6. I'm not trying to glorify living off the government and halfheartedly going to uni. I haven't really worked out another option. Maybe there's a mid point?
I can't be bothered travelling, or writing, or going out for auditions. Am I depressed? Nah, I feel fine. Like so fucking fine. I'm not anxious at all either. I'm just taking a break, I'm sure life will get crazy again soon.
I went to hospital a couple of months ago. We think a cyst burst in my ovaries. I was hungover and stoned, it was a Saturday morning. We were walking to the markets at the powerhouse and I suddenly felt like I was going to pass out. My friend was inside the night owl getting a drink and I just ran into someones front yard and puked. After I puked I couldn't move at all. I was just lying in this strangers front yard, waiting for my friends to come find me. When they did, they put me in the back of an uber - giggling at how hungover I was. After about five minutes in the uber was when the cramps started. I've never felt so much pain. It was the first day of my period but this was way worse than any period pain. I was passing out in the backseat from the pain and I thought "is this when you call an ambulance?" No one ever tells you when you're meant to call an ambulance. I imagined the uber pulling up to my house and tried to picture myself walking to the front door. It wasn't going to happen. I couldn't move any part of my body, I was just in so much pain. The worst period cramps I've ever had were exploding through my body and I could feel the pain spreading down my thighs and up my back. I finally got the words out "I'm sorry, but I think you're going to have to call an ambulance".
As we waited for the ambulance, I curled up on the side of Brunswick Street. People just kept coming up to me to check I was okay. An older man stroked my arm and told me it was my appendix and the surgery would be over in a couple of hours. I made the decision that if I shat myself, it would be okay. I called my Mum and just cried. The older fello kept telling me to hang up, not to bother her. I screamed back at him to fuck off, I need my mum.
The ambos thought I was in labour.
Until I told them I was high and definiteeeeeely not pregnant. They told me there was nothing they could do for me. I begged them to take me to hospital. I couldn't work out how to articulate to them that I knew my body and I knew this was not okay.
I was in hospital for hours. They made me pee in a cup and they took my blood. I spoke to only male doctors who pushed my stomach a few times and asked me if I was "bleeding down there." When I told them it was like the worst period pain you could ever imagine, times ten, of course they had no idea what I was feeling. They sent me home and told me it was probably because of my wild night.
So I stopped going out. I'm scared to drink. I get the pains everyday, just a little bit. I'm sure I'll be fine, the doctor said so.
It's been a while, hasn't it? It's just because I started this blog to make me feel better when I needed to made to feel better and lately I've just been feeling better. I'm working full time (lol wtf how?), I make my bed everyday, I haven't been partying any where near as much as before... I'm not doing any plays, any writing, any films. No exciting flings and no holidays. What's weird is now I finally feel like I have my shit together? Now I am supposedly an adult, a functioning member of society and fuck me dead it's boring. How do I get out? I like my job, it supports me, forces me to eat 3 meals a day, I'm living more than comfortably. How could I possibly quit to become a struggling artist again?
UGHHHH because I love art so much. I love acting and writing. I love having a different schedule every week and complaining about having rehearsals until 10 and work again at 6. I'm not trying to glorify living off the government and halfheartedly going to uni. I haven't really worked out another option. Maybe there's a mid point?
I can't be bothered travelling, or writing, or going out for auditions. Am I depressed? Nah, I feel fine. Like so fucking fine. I'm not anxious at all either. I'm just taking a break, I'm sure life will get crazy again soon.
I went to hospital a couple of months ago. We think a cyst burst in my ovaries. I was hungover and stoned, it was a Saturday morning. We were walking to the markets at the powerhouse and I suddenly felt like I was going to pass out. My friend was inside the night owl getting a drink and I just ran into someones front yard and puked. After I puked I couldn't move at all. I was just lying in this strangers front yard, waiting for my friends to come find me. When they did, they put me in the back of an uber - giggling at how hungover I was. After about five minutes in the uber was when the cramps started. I've never felt so much pain. It was the first day of my period but this was way worse than any period pain. I was passing out in the backseat from the pain and I thought "is this when you call an ambulance?" No one ever tells you when you're meant to call an ambulance. I imagined the uber pulling up to my house and tried to picture myself walking to the front door. It wasn't going to happen. I couldn't move any part of my body, I was just in so much pain. The worst period cramps I've ever had were exploding through my body and I could feel the pain spreading down my thighs and up my back. I finally got the words out "I'm sorry, but I think you're going to have to call an ambulance".
As we waited for the ambulance, I curled up on the side of Brunswick Street. People just kept coming up to me to check I was okay. An older man stroked my arm and told me it was my appendix and the surgery would be over in a couple of hours. I made the decision that if I shat myself, it would be okay. I called my Mum and just cried. The older fello kept telling me to hang up, not to bother her. I screamed back at him to fuck off, I need my mum.
The ambos thought I was in labour.
Until I told them I was high and definiteeeeeely not pregnant. They told me there was nothing they could do for me. I begged them to take me to hospital. I couldn't work out how to articulate to them that I knew my body and I knew this was not okay.
I was in hospital for hours. They made me pee in a cup and they took my blood. I spoke to only male doctors who pushed my stomach a few times and asked me if I was "bleeding down there." When I told them it was like the worst period pain you could ever imagine, times ten, of course they had no idea what I was feeling. They sent me home and told me it was probably because of my wild night.
So I stopped going out. I'm scared to drink. I get the pains everyday, just a little bit. I'm sure I'll be fine, the doctor said so.
Saturday, 6 August 2016
my super lame super artsy artistic statement for my one woman show
As a teenager, I was obsessed with the idea of doing things the ‘right’ way, so much so that at 13 years old I found myself googling "How to be a perfect teenager", “How to dress warm and still look good”, “How to get a boyfriend”; I needed order and control and perfection. This I now realise was a naïve attempt to understand myself and what I was doing ‘wrong’ in my life, but lately I’m learning that there is no ‘right’ way - at all. Every human on earth experiences anxiety, self-doubt and loneliness and whether we’re living right or wrong we’ll never know, every one of us is just trying to survive and find ultimate happiness on our messy planet.
I’m inspired by our differences as humans, and thoroughly enjoy working out what makes someone tick, what makes them behave the way they do, feel the way they do. I am hugely curious as to what brings certain people together and why I have an invisible magic string connecting me to people I have met for 5 minutes.
I’m inspired by our differences as humans, and thoroughly enjoy working out what makes someone tick, what makes them behave the way they do, feel the way they do. I am hugely curious as to what brings certain people together and why I have an invisible magic string connecting me to people I have met for 5 minutes.
Our ultimate entertainment is reality and our constant drive in life is to understand; simply we appreciate stories of others that make mistakes, experience loss, and love because it's inevitable that we all face these emotions, this compassion and empathy connects us and ultimately helps us further understand ourselves.
Each of us have a personal movie filming in our brains, every day the reel rolls and we have a chance to change the story, characters and setting but the final production will only ever have 1 viewer; you. What if you could let someone into your brain movie? Show them exactly how you are wired? Really truly who you are? GirlGenius explores our personal secrets, fears, habits and idiosyncrasies through the character of Benny, in which whom is based off myself, Gemma.
Each of us have a personal movie filming in our brains, every day the reel rolls and we have a chance to change the story, characters and setting but the final production will only ever have 1 viewer; you. What if you could let someone into your brain movie? Show them exactly how you are wired? Really truly who you are? GirlGenius explores our personal secrets, fears, habits and idiosyncrasies through the character of Benny, in which whom is based off myself, Gemma.
I began writing when I was living in Chicago, I was alone a lot of the time and was learning a lot about myself and the world at a rapid pace. Writing allowed me to catch up with my brain and my emotions. I quite organically began writing about myself and it occurred to me that I was writing my own autobiography at seventeen. It’s been years since then and I am finally ready and able to mold my years of prose writing, theatre education and life experience into an energetic, passionate and honest production.
Friday, 22 July 2016
I don't think I'd understood grief until now. I still don't understand grief. Loss. I want to talk about it. It makes people uncomfortable, it makes me feel better. I knew him, we talked, I didn't dream that. He wanted me to tell him why people didn't like him. He was one of the good ones. Honest, good heart, genuine. I'm so sad. I'm so confused, am I allowed to feel sad? I hadn't seen him for years. I didn't reply to his messages. I thought it didn't matter. I wish we could hang out. But it's done. He's gone. I'm too late. What scares me more is that in my life I am definitely going to feel this way again. I'm going to have to say goodbye to everyone I love. I love so many people.
Today I found out a friend of mine took his own life. We were friends particularly in grade 10, I was a loner and so was he. Kids in grade 10 are awful. We hardly spoke but we knew. I almost went to a Greens party at the start of the year, I didn't end up going but I saw he did and wished I had gone. He messaged me a few weeks ago and I didn't reply. I always assumed we would run into each other in the future. I enjoyed his politics. Now I think of my other friends of the past that I haven't spoken to in years. I hope you are well. I hope you are happy. I'm thinking of you all today and tell your friends you love them.
I drove home from the funeral and turned the music up really loud. It felt good. I felt so alive.
Today I found out a friend of mine took his own life. We were friends particularly in grade 10, I was a loner and so was he. Kids in grade 10 are awful. We hardly spoke but we knew. I almost went to a Greens party at the start of the year, I didn't end up going but I saw he did and wished I had gone. He messaged me a few weeks ago and I didn't reply. I always assumed we would run into each other in the future. I enjoyed his politics. Now I think of my other friends of the past that I haven't spoken to in years. I hope you are well. I hope you are happy. I'm thinking of you all today and tell your friends you love them.
I drove home from the funeral and turned the music up really loud. It felt good. I felt so alive.
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