I don't think I'd understood grief until now. I still don't understand grief. Loss. I want to talk about it. It makes people uncomfortable, it makes me feel better. I knew him, we talked, I didn't dream that. He wanted me to tell him why people didn't like him. He was one of the good ones. Honest, good heart, genuine. I'm so sad. I'm so confused, am I allowed to feel sad? I hadn't seen him for years. I didn't reply to his messages. I thought it didn't matter. I wish we could hang out. But it's done. He's gone. I'm too late. What scares me more is that in my life I am definitely going to feel this way again. I'm going to have to say goodbye to everyone I love. I love so many people.

Today I found out a friend of mine took his own life. We were friends particularly in grade 10, I was a loner and so was he. Kids in grade 10 are awful. We hardly spoke but we knew. I almost went to a Greens party at the start of the year, I didn't end up going but I saw he did and wished I had gone. He messaged me a few weeks ago and I didn't reply. I always assumed we would run into each other in the future. I enjoyed his politics. Now I think of my other friends of the past that I haven't spoken to in years. I hope you are well. I hope you are happy. I'm thinking of you all today and tell your friends you love them.

I drove home from the funeral and turned the music up really loud. It felt good. I felt so alive.