Where have I been?
I've been asking myself that for months now.
In November, I finally had the opportunity to perform my one woman play Theda Bara Smiles. I'd been working on it for a few years, it was my baby. When I first started writing I was absolutely terrified at the thought of actually performing it. I kept writing, and did all the things I knew I had to do to make it happen and as I went to sleep at night I'd imagine an audience full of my friends and family, watching and listening and then I wouldn't be able to sleep because the butterflies were too distracting. As I wrote the scenes I'd think to myself "am I actually going to perform this?"
It took so long to come to fruition that the play had become second nature to me. I felt no nerves, only excitement. The idea of sharing something I care about so deeply with everyone I love was incomprehensibly lovely.
The night itself was incredible. I'd never felt so proud of myself, of what I can do. The strangest part was after everyone had clapped and I had bowed and ran off stage to get changed. It was when I came back out to the audience to mingle. I was suddenly filled with that uncomfortableness, the fear, who should I go stand with? Who do I talk to? I was in such a rush I couldn't think of anything at all. I felt strangely empty. I skulled red wine to relax though it seemed to go right through me.
My family cried and hugged me, my little cousin stared at me as if I was a star. My friends, who a year ago I was too self conscious to speak to, had stood and clapped for whole minutes. I can't believe I really did that. They couldn't believe I really did that.
I often wonder if people loved the play so much just because it was so bold. What I did was so bold. I came home that night and lay in the bath for hours in silence. I wonder if that's what it feels like the day after you get married. Well that's done.
I'm putting the show on again in May. There will be four shows altogether. I can't wait to start rehearsals. I like myself a lot more when I'm working on something.
