A Happy Life

We’ve been together for about 18 years and we’ll be together forever.

I didn’t always appreciate what she had given me. I thought this relationship was boring, repetitive, and empty. This relationship was hard, really hard. It got so hard that I couldn’t see the point in carrying on anymore. Nothing’s going to change, I thought-- I may as well just end it, stop the pain. I was so convinced that everyone was judging my relationship; criticizing our decisions, our behavior, the way we looked, the way we talked. I was convinced that we were nothing. I didn’t leave the house for weeks. Twiddling my fingers and waiting for something to change.

Then one day, it occurred to me. I can fix this. I have the opportunity to make this all okay again. I can be happy. We started doing more stuff together. I started noticing the beautiful things about her, the small details. I noticed how energy starts flowing through her body when she smiles, tickling her toes with happiness. I noticed how when she breathes in through her mouth, her stomach rises a little bit. I noticed how her skin turns red after just 10 minutes in the sun. I noticed how she doesn’t always wash all the conditioner out of her hair and I noticed how her shoulders were always stiff because they hold the weight of the world.

I realised that the whole time we had been together, I had hated her. I had hated her because I was supposed to. Everybody else hates her legs, stomach, teeth, hair, boobs, personality. I realised that I would stare at her naked and pick out every disgusting thing about her. She wasn’t worthy of being happy. She wasn’t like she was supposed to be. She didn’t like patting cute dogs, grinding to rap music, or smoking at parties. She was different, she was weird.

But suddenly I learnt to like her. To love her, and to treat her right.

I’m talking about my life. The most important thing in my life; the day I realised that it was okay to treat myself properly was the day that I wanted to live again.

By Gemma Elsom (Girl Genius)